THE INTROVERSIA WARS

In 1995, Ecuador and Peru went to war yet again over disputed boundaries in the Amazon region that Peru was pretty certain were misplaced and denied them a good deal of land that was rightfully theirs. It was actually the last of a series of wars that began roughly at the same time as World War II and involved various styles of warfare and weaponry and produced fierce patriotism on both sides. The wars were generally supported by the local populations and apparently many Ecuadorian men signed up to give those land-grabbing Peruvians what for.  There was loss of life, and, in the 1995 version, a skirmish or two involving helicopters, and it all led to the eventual signing in 1998 of a treaty that established the official boundary in this area. Big or little, justifiable or not, wars are not fun and seem to end up historically as having less substantial meaning than they did when all the young men, as it seems all young men have done for millennia, ran to sign up for them.  I am reminded of the John Prine lyric from Hello In There, which goes: We lost Davy in the Korean War, and I still don't know what for, don't matter anymore."

Which brings us to the subject at hand: The war against introverts, or what I like to call The Introversia Wars. You know who you are and you know what you're trying to do, so let's just cut through it and get to the meat of the matter. 

It's been brewing for a while, I can tell you that.  There is a long standing feud between introverts and extraverts, which would get a lot more press if introverts weren't so damned tight-lipped about everything.  And like the Ecuador-Peru series of conflicts, the Introversia Wars are about boundaries.  There is nothing more pathetic than a dyed-in-the-wool extravert trying to horn in on the new introversion craze. 

"Oh, I'm an introvert at heart," they can be heard to say.  "Every test I've ever taken, including the Myers-Briggs, has pegged me as an introvert. And I felt shy once back in 1975."  Well, first of all, if you were a true introvert, you wouldn't be broadcasting all your test results.  In fact, you wouldn't even be joining in on the conversation.  In fact, you wouldn't even be in the same room.  A true introvert can be found in a place such as, let's say, Ecuador, where he can weather the Introversia Wars and then  return when the coast is clear of extraverts. Shy once in 1975 indeed. 

Introverts are deep rather than quick thinkers, reasoned rather than irrational, cerebral rather than bestial.  Cute rather than dogged.  Whatever that last one means.  But don't worry, extraverts will not hover on that sentence long enough to realize it makes no actual sense. Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are extraverts and much of my social life would never happen without the presence of another person who finds it impossible to keep his mouth shut.  As a point of fact, this particular said extravert I am thinking of, when I announced on Twitter the upcoming blog on the Introversia Wars, had this to say, and I'm paraphrasing: "Sounds like a war with a lot of reading and long silent pauses."

Ha ha ha.  What a jokester.  I just cannot stop laughing at that one.  The meaning and value of introversion is, of course, lost on him.  Poor demented soul.  He did once try to teach me to be an extravert and I was as close as I ever got to being one back in the fall of 1974. We would be in the lunch line together at college and when we approached a particularly lovely young woman, he would hide behind me and I would move my lips as he said something like:  "Haven't we met somewhere before?  Perhaps it was on the Riviera when I was there in '72." Of course, it was pure idiocy and hardly ever worked and taught me an important lesson.  I do not have the chops to deal with the aftermath of a failing of extraversion.  I'm not sure any extravert does.  But the genius of their personality style is that it basically does not matter to them one way or the other.  There are always other, perhaps more daunting peaks to climb. 

A lot of people who were born extraverts are now calling themselves introverts, as if that is something that can actually change in one's life.  There must be a run on introversion as a quality way of life because these are the same people who laughed at introverts during the formative years and now, when they can't remember what they had for breakfast, suddenly want to change horses in the middle of the stream and gallop off, well lope off (because that's what introverts do), and pretend that they've been this way all along.  Well, this introvert is not standing for it.  It is a hard long struggle to live a life of dedicated introversion and no, you cannot pretend you are Russia at the end of World War II and jump in at the end of the fray so you can lay claim to large parts of Germany, and let your legacy be changed to that of a lifelong introvert. 

I hereby demand, and this means you as well my beloved Maria, that true extraverts retreat back inside their boundaries and quit running seek and destroy forays into the peaceful and sacrosanct lives of introverts.  This madness must stop.  It seems quite selfish and unreasonable to me. Just like an extravert to think only of themselves.

Have you even considered this possible outcome:  If all you extras are going to jump to the other side than what am I going to do for a social life? 

There.  I said it.  Don't be mad.